eve winchester’s Blog

depressing day ^^

Posted on: May 7, 2011

a few days ago, I did something that I shouldn’t have done, but I did it anyway,which now I kinda regret it..wanna know what happened?? well, it goes like this..
last week, I just got a notice that I wasn’t cut 2 go 2 a ‘school’.I felt so depressed @ the time (..& still am depressed when writing this story.. :(.. ).I was perished, felt like the whole world is rejecting me @ the time.I was so desperate that I even decided to text a nurse friend of mine 2 chat.apparently,I met 1 of them @ the hospital @ the time,when he was taking a break in the canteen.so,I kinda poured out my heart 2 him & another 1 that talk 2 me via the cellphone.even though I felt a little relief,but the 1 I’m really looking forward 2 talk 2 is him..but that’s just it!! if I called him or maybe text him,he’d call back & demand 2 know what happened. I got scared that if he talked 2 me,while trying 2 soothe me & say it’s ok,there will be next time bla,bla,bla, I’d go all gloomy & maybe even cried my heart out listening 2 him..& that’s exactly what I don’t want him 2 know!!he might think that I’m just another spoiled cry-baby who just can’t handle the real world. I don’t want him 2 c that side of me..since I don’t know how he really feels ’bout me,I’m not ready 2 show ‘that’ side of me 2 him just yet..that ‘fragile’ side of me.. 😦
anyways, as it turns out, when I arrived @ work,my co-worker told me that she just hung-up the phone on him just mere seconds b4 I arrived.I got dumbstruck.my heart was beating faster than it should,but I still manage 2 ask her what did they talked about while turning my back on her.she said that he mentioned a lot of other things 2 her first,which I know is just his way of chit chat before asking the ‘real’ question.then she finally said that he was asking her about how did I do.hearing that,I suddenly got a mixed feelings of happy, sad, & mad, all at the same time.happy, coz that means that I got him interested. sad,coz I didn’t make the cut & strangely,felt kinda embarassed @ him,2 all his efforts & stuffs you know..& then I got mad! coz he didn’t even bother 2 call me up or even text me himself 2 know the news.he just had 2 ask my friend ’bout it. I was like,”oh,come on!!this is getting funnier by the minute.don’t u even have the guts 2 call 4 yourself?!”.I felt like screaming @ that time, which I did 4 all those reasons after knowing that πŸ˜› my friend even proposed that he should call me himself 2 get the news.I quickly rejected her proposal.I couldn’t talk 2 him just yet, let alone see him in person. as I said before, I’m afraid I might break down 2 tears if I hear his voice on the phone. so,as it turns out,seconds after our conversation,he made an attempt to call her again & asked how I was doing.she asked me again whether I wanted him 2 call me himself, which I quickly decline.so she text him & told him that I didn’t make it through & now is looking depressed & all.after that,he didn’t reply back.that day I felt so lazy that I feel like I don’t have any energy left in me 4 work.. -__-
..the next day, I continued my work & arrived @ JB @ the usual time.@ first, I was so glad 2 learn that there weren’t any patient in the icu, so there’s gonna be less chance that I ever gonna bump into him that day.even though I remain @ the 2nd floor, but I didn’t sat @ the nurse station like I usually did.I sat either in the nurse’s changing room,delivery room,baby room,wherever, as long as there’s a tiny chance on bumping into him that day…but as usual..the more I tried 2 evade seeing someone, the more times I got 2 bump into them by mere chance.. T__T .. & so there I was in the icu @ around 7 p.m.,checking on the patient’s status & condition.I went there at around that hour coz I estimated that he’d already been gone somewhere @ that time,so I didn’t have to see him.the patient has already been in the room since about 4 p.m..but that was just my luck!!about 15 minutes after I came,someone opened the door & in he came.hah!!so much for my ‘escape maneuver’ that day :I when I saw him coming in, I unconsciously spoke loud enough 4 one of the nurse beside me 2 hear.I said,”OMG,it’s him!I definitely don’t wanna speak or even see him right now!”.she was mesmerized by my comment & asked,”what is it,doc?what’s going on?”. I didn’t answer her question. instead, I pretended that I was looking @ the status & didn’t pay any attention of him crossing by the room.I know he was smiling @ me & all, but I just ignored him.after he got close enough 2 me,he asked,”so how’s it going?”.I took a quick glance @ him & then return my gaze again 2 the status while saying,”what’s going on with what,doc?”.”the test.did u make it?”.suddenly, I feel the urge to get angry @ him coz he didn’t even bother 2 call & ask me himself yesterday. so I said 2 him while sulking,”u already knew the answer 2 that,don’t u?why bother asking?as if it’s gonna change..”.he quickly change his expression from being all smiley to something like,”oops,what did I do wrong?I’m just asking”.he tried 2 lighten up the atmosphere by saying,”well,I haven’t heard it from u..maybe there’s gonna be some miracle when hearing about it live..”. I just gave him a smirk & didn’t say anything.after the room fall silent for a minute or 2,he sat in front of me & asked again about how it went.I explained it to him w/o any enthusiasm like I always did whenever we talk 2 each other.he was listening to it seriously & didn’t even bother to make a joke about it.he just sat there & told me that it looks like it’s getting much harder 2 get in nowadays, & other stuffs which meant 2 soothe me..& it still didn’t work, at all..I guess he could see right through me that I’m not in the mood 4 some long chat, so he got up instead & asked whether there’s going 2b another op on the OR.I looked @ him & said,”dunno..”,plain & simple. then he also asked the nurse if there’s going 2b an op scheduled 4 tomorrow.she also said that she doesn’t know. after he left the room,she asked me again about what’s going on between us.why wasn’t I talking 2 him the way I used to talk?only giving him short answers & stuffs. even she had notice that there’s something ‘weird’ going on between us ^^ ..smiling,I told her that there’s nothing wrong going on between us,I just don’t feel like talking 2 him @ the moment πŸ˜› though she’s still curious ’bout it,but I didn’t mention anything.but she did asked me whether I did take the test 4 anesthesia & did I make it through.I said yes & I failed.then she asked me why did I chose 2b one?now this one is kinda tricky question ^^ I was about to tell her that ever since I work @ the ER in the other hospital, I stumbled through a lot of emergency stuffs & it excites me.I didn’t get to the last phrase,when suddenly she interrupted & said,”wow,so there is some sparks going on over there between u 2.” she giggled & I didn’t even bother 2 continue what I was going 2 say.so I just shut my mouth after that πŸ˜›
..a couple of hours later,I was still sitting @ the nurse’s counter in the icu when suddenly he came back in.he didn’t bother 2 address me & so I did the same thing.he said that he was looking 4 an epidural set 2 one of the nurses,so they searched everywhere in the room 4 it.even when he was searching the desk near me,he still didn’t bother to talk or even look @ me.so I did the same thing πŸ˜› after searching w/ no luck, he still sat there on the chair a few inches away beside me w/o saying a word.I took a quick glance @ him & saw that he was spacing out..dunno if he’s trying 2 remember where he’d put that thing, or still wondering how to make up 2 me,hi3x πŸ˜‰ a few minutes after that,my cellphone rang.it was from the 3rd floor & they want me 2 call the consultant in charge of a new patient that she didn’t know yet.so I got up & told the mod that I’m going upstairs.he asked whether there’s an urgent patient upstairs & I said that it’s nothing.I just have to report something to the internist in charge,that’s all. I didn’t even bother to tell him that I’ll be leaving.but as I was leaving, I could still hear him saying,”report?what’s there to report?”, & it made me smile πŸ™‚ I kept on smiling as I leave the room,knowing that surely a few minutes ago he still noticed what I was doing although we weren’t talking 2 each other like we used too πŸ˜‰ ..but that night,when I was up all alone in the dr’s room, I seemed 2 have realized that it was so selfish of me to do that 2 him.he wasn’t the one to blame in all of this. I felt sorry 4 him all of the sudden.I even went into tears knowing that I could’ve hurt him & made him feel uneasy earlier 😦 ..& that’s why that night I wished that the next time I saw him,I’ll make sure to give him a smile like I used to do & forget that something like this ever happened between us πŸ™‚
..well,apparently the next day I did see him again @ the other hospital ^^ although we didn’t have a chance to chat,I just smiled @ him when he saw me in the same room as he is.seeing him still busy talking 2 other ppl in the room,I got out silently..I didn’t get a chance 2 apologize, but at least now he knew that I’m not ‘mad’ @ him anymore,ha8.. πŸ˜€ ..oh well,like what I’ve said b4 & I’ll say it again..if ‘it’ was meant 2b,than it’s meant 2b..which I do hope it is, Amin… ^^
… c u next time.. πŸ™‚


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