THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE UGLY
Posted December 30, 2009on:
..last christmas I gave u my heart, but the very next day, u gave it away..(by Wham)
that’s exactly how I felt a few days ago up til now. wonder why? well, it goes on like this…
let’s start with the ugly part 1st…
…an accident occured 2 me when I was about to go oon duty on X-mas day.I was riding my bike when suddenly from afar, I saw another motorcycle carrying 2 huge basket filled with some green vegetables from afront. somehow I had a hunch that there’ll be an incident happening in seconds..& it did. his basket got stuck on my bike & made me loose control of it.in seconds,I was left on the road lying on my left side.I was still in shock, but I managed to get up, feeling a bit dizzy @ first. I took a quick glance @ my motor & saw it lying also on its left side. some guy told me to never mind about the motor & try to rest on the side-walk for awhile. I did exactly as he said & tried to walk to the side-road slowly.While still in shock, I somehow manage to calm myself down & check if there are any broken bones or any kind of bleeding existed.except for some bruises on my right leg and the pain feeling on my left shoulder, there was nothing serious. Thank God for that.after I manage to regain my strength again, I looked up my bike & saw some scratches here & there.the wheels are a bit slope to the right, but other than that, it can still run.I asked for the guy who hit me to repair its position,just so it can go straight. @ first, I didn’t even notice that the guy was already running away. but another guy quickly ran & held him to take a look @ me first.so he came back, don’t know feeling out of guilt or it’s just that he has been chase by that other guy.anyway, whatever.I’m just so glad that my helmet didn’t wore off when it happened.if it did, … think I’d never be able to write this 2day =) . so again, thank U God for saving me again this time.
next came the good part…
…as I arrived @ work, already 2 hours late, I knew that there was a patient in the intensive care with post-craniotomy.I knew it from a nurse’s comment on FB the other night.@ first, I’m not that anxious to hear it, coz that means that I have 2 stay wide awake all night,for 2 days in a row, whereas I’m on duty for 72 hrs straight, that’s a whole 3 days non-stop :-$ but that’s work 4 u. I was a bit relieved to learn that there weren’t many patients in the ward & the patient in the icu is stabil, @ that time. that means that at least I can get a good night sleep for the day. happy ??…not so quickly…
about 1500 hrs, a nurse from the ED told me that there’ll be another patient who needs craniotomy after he had an accident @ work. I was like,”geez, sweal !! just when I was about to think that the coast is’clear’ & this had to come up”. that was my 1st thought. the 2nd one was,”oh,no.. I’ll have to see him… again”. not that I’m against it,no way. it’s just that I wanted to know if he really misses me like before when we hadn’t met for almost a month, or so I thought. I guess I just wanted to take a better look @ his reaction again😉
anyways… I went to the icu to take a look @ the patient.he wasn’t anywhere in sight @ the time. the patient was just being transported to the icu to put on a cvp before going on with the operation.not long after that, he came rushing in, while giving orders to the nurses to prepare everything for the op.he didn’t recognize me @ first & I wasn’t paying too much attention to that coz I know this guy had to work fast. he even called me doc, which rarely happened lately since we’re getting along fine. I reckon he recognized me when he asked me to take a look @ the CT’s, coz by then he already called me by name again. not long after that, came the neuro-surgeon.he asks him if the patient is ready & other stuffs. he looked at the CT’s for awhile. then he asked me what happened when the patient had the accident. I felt so stupid @ first coz I didn’t even bother to look @ his status when they were busy putting on the cvp. instinctively, I turned my gaze to him for some support. but he just threw back his gaze to me with that silly smile on his face. he didn’t know what happened also, ha3x =D the way he look @ that time was priceless. made me feel less stupid, hi3x =P … luckily, the surgeon was a good guy, so he just made a joke about it after we told him that we haven’t got the chance to learn the story yet. I guess both of us felt stupid @ that time. that’s why we’re relieve that he didn’t make such a big fuss about it🙂 when the patient’s ready for op, they quickly took him to the OR. I stayed there for awhile accompanying the surgeon who was looking at his patient’s chart & wrote his instructions. after he left for surgery, I remained there for another couple of minutes before I went back to the doctor’s rest room. since all the patients had been visited by their doctor in charge, I felt much more relax sitting in the comfort of the dr’s rest-room.
about 3 hrs after that, I went back to the intensive care to see if the patient’s already finished his op. as I entered, he saw me & smiled, like always. but this time it kinda have that little ‘spark’ in his smile as if teasing me ;P I went in saying,”wow! that was a fast one (the surgery, I mean)”. he didn’t reply. instead, he said,”geez,there somethin’ different ’bout u 2day. must be the hair,” with a smile on his face that made me wanna take a punch at it, … dearly, of course😉 it gave a me a big smile, & I asked,”what kind of different do u mean?? in a good way or…”. what I really meant to say was,”do I look much more beautiful now?? does it suit me?? do u like it??”😛 he didn’t give any answer back. it’s kinda dissapointing for me at 1st. but instead, after awhile, he asked ’bout another thing that bugged me. he asked when I’ll be on ER duty or was there any specific qualifications to be an ER dr. there. this time in a much more.. I dunno, kinda felt like a bit demanding question. I was like,”hey, I’m not even complaining here.why should u care so much?”. of course, I didn’t tell him that. instead, I just told him what I’ve already said for so many times, that the schedule for the ER dr’s is already full there. he seemed a bit tensed / pissed about it @ first, which again made me wonder why the hell did he even bothered. I’m feelin’ fine with my job now as it is. I’m not the kind who wants to beg for a job that wasn’t entrusted to me @ the first place. I have my pride, u know.
after he seems to calm down a little & sat back much more relax, he asked again. this time in a much more serious tone.. & expression. ”hey, r u working @ ‘A’ now?”, he asked. I was caught by surprise. this had been my trump card for the past few months, which I avoid telling him anything about it at all cost. why did I even bother to make it a secret from him, u say?…well, I kinda thought that this would be a good ‘little’ test for him to know if he’s any interest in me or not😉 u c, a few weeks ago when we met after being apart for about a month or so, he asked,”where have u been? are u not working here again now?”. that kinda caught me of guard. I was like,”wow, I thought I was the only one who thinks like that. I thought u didn’t even realized if I were missing. r u really missing me coz u do care or what?”. @ that time , I was just startin’ to work @ ‘A’. But I didn’t tell him anything ’bout it. nor did I tell him on any of our next encounters, that is. but he’s asking me now.🙂
after I regain my confidence from the surprise, I told him that he must be mistaken me for someone else’s. I asked him where had he heard it from. my first thought was that one of the surgeon’s there told him about me,coz he’s also working @ the same place as me. he didn’t answer. instead, he said that he over-looked at a patient’s MR & saw my hand-writing in it. again, I tried to deny it. but he still insisted that it was my hand-writing, complete with my name on it. I forgot that we have to write our names on the status whenever/whatever we did. by this time, I realized that he was goin’ to be furious again, not telling him the truth. Instinctively, I gave up & finally told him that it was me. he smiled again after that & the air was less tense than before. soon after that, he asked me whether I get to standby @ the ER there or just the ward. I said both. I think I caught a glimpse of satisfaction there in his expression when I told him that. then he asked again ’bout when is my schedule, how was it there, & etc.
then I don’t know who started it, but after that we were talking about the day he had a fight with a pediatrician over their patient. I guess he started that conversation coz as I recall, he was the one who asked me first whether I got a phone call from the pediatrician that day. I don’t know who told him that & I forgot to ask. I suggest that it was one of the nurses there who told him ’bout it coz I remember telling to one of them about it. I told him ’bout what happened that day. from his expression,I learnt that he wasn’t that all excited again hearing about her & what she did. well, … serves u right !! that day I hated him so much for giving any women that kind of ‘look’, besides to me of course. what kind of look? well, if u ask me that… I don’t even know the answer to it as well😛 all I know is that now he has a different perspective about her & that’s enough for me. eventhough I knew that there wasn’t any competition here🙂 oh, there’s also this one thing I forgot to mention. I acted as if I know what he’s thinking. I shouldn’t have done that. he’ll think that I’m a stuck-up know-it-all, & that’s not a good impression. when I told him that I knew that he would be furious with her attitude, he looked @ me & asked me twice ’bout the same question. he said how do I know how he felt ? I started to panic, but I manage to said to him that it’s obvious judging from our past encounters. he just nodded & didn’t reply at my comment back then. it gave me the chills. hope it didn’t look like I went too far at that time. that’s the 2nd time he acted like that. the 1st time was when we’re on the family gathering @ the beach. he also gave that expression at that time, as if he wanted to say,”what makes u think u know me? we’ve only been friends for a few days”. geez !! I should’ve just zip it !!
luckily, when we were talking ’bout it, the MOD came in & sat right in front of me. she greets us & was about to write her report, when suddenly she said,”geez,doc! u sure look much different now. doesn’t she look much more beautiful than before,doc?” she was asking him ’bout my appearance. @ first, I wasn’t expecting on any answers from him coz I’ve already asked him that earlier, but instead… well, … once again, I was caught off-guard. he quickly made a reply,”yes,she does look much more beautiful now. later on she’ll be coloring her hair, then..”. I didn’t catch what he was saying next. I felt a rush of blood flowing to my cheeks that I didn’t even dare to meet his gaze for a second🙂 all I’m hearing was that he ‘finally’ admits that I’m much more beautiful with my new look. I felt like singing & dancing in the air =D but of course, I didn’t give him the satisfaction to see me like a love-struck fool just because of his compliments earlier. instead, I tried to remain relax while I catch up on my breathe & told him that I already had my hair colored. he asked,”really?why didn’t I notice that?”. I told him that it’s a secret & boy, does he really looked pissed. he was sulking again😄 ha3x… how cute was that ?!!😀
the next day was the bad part…at least, from my part X(
I don’t know why, but I get the feeling that I don’t want to meet him 2day.why is that? beats me… I called him in the morning to let him now about the current situation. it took me half an hour or so to finish my report & get instructions. one of the nurse asked to whom was I reporting to. I told her it was him. I also told her that whenever it was me reporting, it’ll take more than just 10 minutes to consult & it can take more than half an hour for just 1 patient. Whereas for others, 15 minutes would be tops. she unconscioucly said,”maybe he likes u”. I felt my face getting red again & tried hard not to sound so happy @ her remarks. luckily,she was standing behind me so I guess she didn’t realized my face gone red all of the sudden. while still hiding my face, I just said,”yeah,right! u mean, likes to play around with me”. ”hey,it’s ok,doc! he’s a good guy. u’ll learn a lot of things from him while others didn’t,” she said. well,… that is true..however, it still felt like I was much more stupider than the others from time to time, which makes me uneasy sometimes.
he came along to check up on his patients after the neurologist came a few moment ago. there wasn’t anything important that we talked about aside from the patients condition. not long after that, the internist came in & they discussed about their past & present patients. I wasn’t paying too much attention at that time coz I think the tiredness already started to build-up. after she left, the MOD came in. he started giving her questions to answer. @ first I thought that she was pissed being questioned like that all of the sudden. I told her that he’s that kind of people who likes to do that,but it wasn’t meant to make her look stupid. he’ll give u the answer providing that he knows about it. he always did that to me anyways. after that, she answered him. then she asked him when can he share what there is to know about the intensive care. he told them that it’s useless to just give off like some everyday lecture without seeing the real thing. he already did that to some people, but they just keep forgetting about it, saying with a 1001 reasons. hearing that, I instinctively knew that he was talking ’bout me. boy, I was sure pissed off back then !! I just wanna yell,”hey,cut that out !! u’r talking about me,r u??!!” Instead, I just gave him a stare & he didn’t even once dare to look at me !! dunno whether he was so fixated talkin’ to the others or that he was just being polite to me so I wouldn’t feel uneasy. whichever that was, my mood was ruined for the rest of the day.
luckily, neither of the patients gave a lot to fuss about, so @ night time, I went OL & chat with one of my bff, like the other night. that night she asked what’s making me upset that day. I told her the whole thing. she also suspected that he was talking ’bout me back then. makes me even more pissed X( but she also told me that probably he did that coz he cared. that maybe he saw my potential but saw me slackin’ off instead which made him do that. well, when I think about it, guess I am slackin’ off. I’m the type that doesn’t wanna do anything if there wasn’t anyone to push me harder or giving any motivation to do much better… which is why I guess I got a crush @ him at the first place, coz he seems to be the best man for the job.. the right guy @ the right time… 😉 she also teases me by saying that slowly but sure I began to haunt his inner thoughts😀 wakakakakakak, as if… that would be the day… ^_^
… but now knowing that I’ve used all my trump card, how can I make him feel curious ’bout me again ? of course, I can always change my appearance.but that’s just from the surface. what about the ‘inner’ me ? what have I done so far ? I know he’s interested in decent & smart people… decent? ok.. smart? hmmmm… getting to be not so sure ’bout that… jiaaaahhh !!!!! whatever !!!! if he decides to like me, he’d better like me as I am, complete with all the uncomplete bits & pieces that came with it😉
… well, that’s the complete wreck about today’s diary entitled ”The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly”… c u next time… & hope it will have a happy ending & a new beginning to it,too… c u next year… have a HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010 with a blast !!!!😀