eve winchester’s Blog

Archive for May 2009

yesterday evening, i had another dream about you.

don’t remember how it started.I just remembered that I was in my house.there’s me,some nurse i knew,& there’s you.¬† dunno why,but it feels like I’m burning & sweating all over.you came out from one of the rooms smelling good (probably after a shower).I was already sweating,I wanted to take a shower too,but the nurse got in first.so I was left at the living room alone.then you came by and said something & I said something in return.all of the sudden, you made a sudden move by brushing your hands on my cheek,which instead of being calmed down,it has a reverse effect.it’s making me sweat even more.gross??maybe, but… it’s just shows that how much I missed you ^^ surely,reality is much more fun than just a dream ūüôā

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yesterday,i just wanna shout out loud!!today, I still wanna shout out loud :)…why?

coz’ yesterday I met him again ;)…yay…:D even though it’s just¬†took a few seconds,his smile could surely brighten up my day ūüôā

after the incident the last time (that’s making me depressed for awhile), 2 days ago,he finally approved on adding me…ME!!…he3x…I know it’s probably meant nothing for him,but those little things are the ones that can really brighten up ur day.plus yesterday,we met again.just for a moment.and that brief moment is something that’s very special to my heart.

I was just accompanying a specialist while she visited.we were talking for a while and then she continued to wrote her assessment on one of her patient’s¬†status,and that’s when I caught a glimpse of some guy¬†from the corner of my eyes walking along the corridor to where we were sitting that looked like someone I knew.I suddenly have the urge to take another look at who it was.When I did,it was him…God,it’s him again!!…everytime I see you, I feel so in love ^^…yap,not to mention that he also saw me from a far & was already smiling at me.I turned my eyes away for a second,pretending like I was¬†listening to what she says,¬†to take a breathe and look up again.now that he’s much closer to where I was, I smiled back and greeted him like the usual.you know,I had the urge to catch him & talk,even for just a second.but of course,logic comes first before the¬†heart.I was in the middle of something with the specialist and I can’t just abandoned her like that.that would be very rude of me.besides,that’ll cause suspicion & you know how much I hate gossipers.

then last night as I was browsing¬†FB, I kind a took a peak at what he’s been doing recently & check up on his friends list.I found out a couple¬†of things that¬†interest me.First,he has a friend whose name is the same one as the one that I have a crush on way back when I was still @ Fatma hospital.although he doesn’t put his picture on his profile instead, but I’m pretty sure that he’s the same guy.the profile fits.i gasped when I realized the reality.boy,it sure is a small world after all ūüôā

the second one is that I found out that he was going to attend a seminar which I’m also attending today.I felt a sudden rush of adrenaline.my cheeks went pink.but of course, reality bites.I got carried away hoping that we’ll meet again twice in two days….but I guess everything has its own time.gotta be patient.don’t get ur hopes too high just to fall down flat again like it did a very,very long time ago.all I can do no is pray that someday,someway,God will show me the way…

just like my friend once told me…”pray, & God will hear you, & you shall receive”¬†…Amin…

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why?? WHY did you do that for? was it something I’d said/done?is it because I wanted to add u¬† to my friends list?what’s wrong with that?…don’t know what I’m talking about? well,it goes like this…

by the time I arrived @ the hospital & was told that there were¬†2 patients in the icu,I was¬†so excited at first.coz that means that I have the chance to meet him again,eventhough just to talk about other people’s condition.as soon as I went down, I learned that the patients weren’t his exactly.felt a little bit down of course.but nevertheless,I still hope for the best to come….and it did…

he came to look at the baby who were seen blue the other day,but¬†today he’s much better & active.I didn’t notice him at first when he walked into the room.as soon as the nurse announced his arrival,I turned my head,looked up at him & greet him as usual.there was no sign that he was looking my way.at first,I thought,”Ok.maybe his much more focused about how the patients doing¬†or tried to asked the nurses about it”.I¬†saw¬†him smiled at the nurses remarks (which I forgot what it’s all about).then he looked at the status on the desk to study it for awhile.since he’s standing a little further than where I was sitting,I got up & joined him to take a look about it.he didn’t say anything to me,but he did say something to the nurses,which I quickly understood about the situation.after that,he went to the patient’s bed to take a look.at first,I wanted to follow him around,but I don’t know why,my feet just don’t want to move”‘that’s fine”, I said to myself.so,I waited in my chair until he finishes.

after he finishes,he went back to the desk to write something on the status.all the other nurses where talking (gangguin,to be exact) about his capability to teach others.he just smiled at their remark,while still writing.after that,he got up & took a look at the other patient for awhile.the nurses offered him a cup of coffee (they also offered me too,of course,but I declined).again,he smiled at their gesture & went back out to continue with his operation.

what’s the lesson to this story??…well…all that time,he never EVER once took a glance at me..u know,I’m not expecting much.just a simple hello or a mere quick smile at me to notice that I was there,could be just enough for me.but NO…he just have to do that.it’s like I don’t even exist or like I’m some kind of parasite.not worth looking at.how do u think that makes me feel,huh??

why?? why do I have to be in this same situation again?it’s like high school again all over.am I coming to strong? am I being to aggressive?OMG,I don’t think so!!!…come to think of it,it is pretty bold to add people who maybe don’t feel want to be added..but,but…u can just chose to ignore it,right?it’s as simple as that.I wouldn’t mind if that’s the case.after all,he is¬†a bit out my league here…

but to get this kind of treatment from him…¬†it really upsets me…*sigh* ūüė¶

I’m so depressed…so sad …so unhappy…suddenly,I felt like so very tired with all of this crap.why do¬†we have to meet if there’s only going to be a broken-heart¬†next?? don’t I deserve a second chance in this??now, I don’t even wanna know if I wanna ever see him again or not.dunno if I have choose between¬†love or hate.it’s all so confusing & distressful…

…I wonder if there’s ever¬†ANY happy-ending¬†gonna happen to me somewhere in the near future¬†??…*hix3x*…T-T

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weird thing happened to me last night (kinda…). It all started 2 days ago…

u c,last weekend, I went on a seminar+workshop about contraception,where we also practice how to put in the IUD.there was this ObGyn who happens to be one of¬†the spokesman earlier,who taught¬†us how to insert the IUD using a phantom.long story short, after the end of the workshop & said our goodbyes,he gave us his number, e-mail,& FB address,just in case if there’s something that we want to consult with.I wrote his FB address & thought why not give it a shot.he seems very nice & sincere anyway.so last night when I logged in my FB,there he was already adding¬†me to¬†his friend’s list.I was pretty surprised at first,but I totally respect that guy.so I agreed to add him to my friend’s list.

afterwards,I wondered whether he also added some of my new friends from the workshop earlier.so I took a look at his friend’s list,wishing that there was someone that I’ve met before that I can add to my list of friends…and there he was…

yap…the same guy i’ve always told u about these past few days.if I were in a cartoon or comic strip,I think my heart’s popped out already ūüôā I just felt like screaming OMG over & over again (not the song title,ok ;))..well, kinda after finished feeling so much enthusiastic over it, I regain my pace & tried to think it all clearly.maybe there’s someone else who happened to have the same name as his.heck,I didn’t know know his real full name!!I just caught a glimpse of his¬†real name on a book he copied left in the intensive care….& that makes me very happy AND relief!! why?? at least,we’re in the same religion…boy,that thought sure made me kinda stressed out for awhile.coz’ if¬†it turned out be different¬†,I’ll have to kill¬†this feeling¬†ASAP before it causes any collateral damage.which is why THANK GOD is all I can say after knowing this. ūüôā

Ok,back to the main story…there he was right in front of my eyes (on my computer,at least).after a deep breathe,I click on the picture to see his profile…& it matches!!!who else could it be??it fits his profile perfectly,just like he said on our earlier encounter.there’s no doubt about it.besides that,he happens to know one of my friends¬†from¬†campus also.that one is still a mystery¬†to me.maybe she’s his sister,relative,or someone he met when they were studying in the same campus together…nevertheless,it kinda made me jealous in a way.sure,this just shows how stupid of me.who the hell am I to him anyway?just a mere colleague,that’s all.but even so…God, I still wish he felt the same way too.*sigh T-T

ok,that’s enough sighing.back to the story…so,next came the big question.do I dare myself to add him?should I or shouldn’t? at first I thought I shouldn’t do it,coz’ then I can’t text¬†stuff such as missing you or something like that.that would be¬†way embarrassing for me…but after a few moment thoughts, I thought,”What the heck?if he thinks of me as a friend and add me,that’ll be great of course.and if he doesn’t,well…at least I tried to get one step closer”.so with that it mind,I added him as my friend…but then,everything went black.what happened you say?

well,the connection went error,so I didn’t know if I already added him or not. freaky much…I don’t know whether this is a sign from heaven¬†that I musn’t rush things through or it just happens to be when it happens.

but once again,with that in mind,I’m pretty sure that God have His own plans in store for me.good & happy ones I hope …Amin… ūüôā

with this,the story ends here. I wish u all good night,adieu,& let’s see what life has in stored for me tomorrow.wish me luck!!!…lots of luck…!!!

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yesterday was a very hectic day 4 me.u c,there’re 3 patients in icu (meaning=full), 2 patients needs extra supervision on the 3rd fl,& many others who needed my attention the whole day.how much more hectic can u get??but…there’s always¬†that one good thing came out on top all of that.can u guess??…

Right-o!! we met again,finally ^_^

@ first, I thought ‘oh wow!!so excited’..u know,that sort of stuff. but as¬†I called 2¬†report the patienets’ conditions,I just felt like…I don’t know how to describe it..it just felt¬†like as it should be.even when he came along, I still felt ‘at ease’ (I think that’s the word I’m looking 4).not like someone whose in luv. @ first I thought,”weird?how come I’m feeling this way now?”.then I thought that maybe it’s because of the situation & condition @ the time where someone’s life is hanging by a thread & I really,really hate to be the one¬†who’s in charge of these situations.the sight of him brings me a very,very great relief @ the time…and boy, I sure did!!¬†

after finished attending that one,the air is much more relaxed now. we talked about what happened earlier between the others & it’s kinda fun atmosphere (looking @ the circumstances)…until ‘the call’…yap,duty calls!! huph,& they couldn’t pick a much better time than that!!¬†we were¬†just starting to get comfy with each other,hix3x ūüė¶ …¬†but of course, who am I to blame?it’s there in¬†the job prescriptions¬†anyways…

but then,it came to me again..I wasn’t ready to end the conversation there & then.I’ve still got a some things to say…dunno if I can say it,but the point is that I still want to talk…well,I guess it’s not the right time yet.so with a heavy heart,I ran out to see what’s goin on..

it turns¬†out to be another emergency.a patient¬†appears like¬†in a somnolent state & it’s not good.I have to informed the doctor in charge about it.so,as I walked out the patient’s room to call,I had a strange feeling that my prayers have been answered asap.there he was sitting on the chair outside the nurse’s station looking for his already moved patient’s status¬†earlier that morning.by that time,my heart skipped a bit happy for awhile.my face turned to smile a bit (in spite of the situation in front of me).

but first thing’s first..I called the dr.¬†& as soon as she gave me some instructions about it,I told the nurses about it back in the patient’s room.I stayed there for a while to monitor the situation.@ that time I was thinking that this could take much more time than it should & I won’t be able to see him again..at least for a couple of days (if I’m lucky though).after awhile,the patient’s became much stable.I’m so glad he did (really!!).so,I got out of the room & went straight to the nurse’s station once again.there’s no sign of him anywhere.it was just a few minutes ago & I already missed him…T-T

but suddenly,right in front f my eyes,there he was again walking toawrds me (ok,towards the nurse’s station,not to me exactly..*sigh).my spirits were lifted up once again ūüôā¬† after he finished writing on his patient’s status (with a little help from my pen *blushed mode on*;)), we talked 4 a while ’bout what’s goin’ on with the¬†patient’s condition¬†after I called the¬†doctor in charge.we talked whether this one could end up being in¬†icu again.I¬†remember that I was smiling @ something he said,although not¬†quite sure what made me do that….hmm,maybe it was about his remarks about getting that indian lady out or something like that.

anyways…that’s the end of¬†our conversation that day (I thought).it was around 6.30 pm. he said his goodbyes & left.I was this close to ask him if he wouldn’t mind sparing a few more hours until my shift’s end,so we could go home together..but of course,the conscience in me quickly overtook the spontaneous part of me.so I just said goodbye & thanks 4 the help earlier.it was a very,very close call.I dunno what people might think¬†if I said that.there’re some nurses¬†around us & you know how women likes to gossip.a bit relief there maybe.I just thought that it wasn’t the right time yet.it’s all goin’¬†so fast.I don’t wanna end up being someone that he’s not comfortable¬†to be with now.it’s much too quick for that.

bearing that idea,I’m just glad that we could see each other again.but then something happened…I called him again to report about the lab test.apparently,I caught him¬†@ a bad time,so he was half frustated¬†w/ me calling twice.@ first,I just wanted to shout,”hey!ur not the only 1 exhausted here!if I did something wrong,then everybody will have me for the blame.and I’m not up to that sort of thing right now!!”…

…of course,after a ‘good’ night sleep I could always forget about the things that made me angry last night & look @ it as a¬†‘lesson’. like maybe he’s really tired & all.he did said that the night before he was still up @ 2 in the morning.there’s a lot of¬†reasons for that…I might as well¬†just remember the ¬†good guy he is…& I thank God everyday that I have the privileged to know a guy like him…hopefully it’ll last forever,this one…Amin… ^_^

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OMG!!!…I just CAN”T believe it!!…we we’re this close, & I just happened to missed him by a mere seconds…damn!!I¬†HATE THAT!!!…how¬†much more stupid could you get???…I could’ve just ask them whose the anesthesiologist on-call¬†today…but NO…I just had to see¬†him dissappear again right IN FRONT of my nose…HAH!!!…my gut were true after all… ūüė¶

…Ok,this is really starting to bug me…u KNOW what happenned a few hours ago??…well,u c, as I was looking through the many status,when I¬†noticed his hand-writing below the ones I wrote…of course naturally,he’s just doing¬†his job & all…but nevertheless, I was quite (if not very) ecstatic to find that out.u know, being on the same page & all…literally =) … wondering whether he remembers me at all when he saw my hand-writing…

…I just wished that today¬†could be the day that we’ll meet again…sadly,how it turned out to be…hix3x T-T¬†

…does that mean that fate is once again playing with me?with my feelings?…dear God,if only You’d just give us the chance to get to know each other much more…don’t know if I can stand surpressing this kind of feeling again…there’s so much that I wanna know about him…like what’s his hobbies,likes,dislikes,etc. heck, I didn’t even know his full name yet!!¬†

…showing my love is what I’m doing..baby,your love is what I’m looking for…coz’ every time I see you, I feel so in looooove…

you bring out the best in me like no one else can do…that’s why I’m by your side…that’s why I love you. ^^

yeah,I do.even in my dreams,you’re there to help me,back-me up in about anything I did…how I wish it’ll also happened to us in the real life too.

whenever I closed my eyes,your always there for me.so close,yet…so far…I know from deep down my heart,that you’ll always be there for me, to help me get through the good & bad times…can I call on you whenever I feel down ? coz’ everytime I see or hear you, it felt like I can do almost anything impossible…to be exact, I feel so very much in love ūüôā

a few hours ago, I dreamt that you were visiting me @ my clinic.you just got back from the hospital. we were talking abuot something,when suddenly some lady & her husband came in & ask if I can perform an IUD for her.I tld her yes I can,eventhough it’s been a very long time since I’ve seen it how.I told her to wait in the patient’s room while I get ready.you asked me whether I am capable of doing it.I told you I can eventhough I still have doubts & panicked…but there you were,smiling, calm & patiently soothed me with¬†your calming words,helping me get through it.you were wearing your light blue shirt & a¬†black trousers.as I washed my hands,I’m still trembling.but then you approach me,still calming me down…& that’s about it.I woke up after that feeling my heart as if it’s goin to burst of joy & happiness…then again,that’s just an innocent¬†dream ūüė¶

…but one thing I realized is that you are the one that I want to be with. whether it’s a dream or in real life, I just know that you’re the one meant for me.coz’ like I said before, you bring out the best in me that I thought I don’t have it anymore. I pray that God will hear my hearts’ wishes & make¬†it come true…Amin…