what was I thinking???
Posted April 25, 2009on:
- In: diary
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what in the world was I thinking this whole damn day??!!…can’t stop thinking ’bout him…hix3x…here I go again.still doing the same pathetic pattern all over again…heck,I don’t even know if he is truely single!! he might have someone he likes already,just haven’t said out loud yet. 😦
great!! now I’m depressed. am I supposed to feel like this again all over?? I’m sick & tired of this part,you know. the waiting,wondering whether he likes me or just pitied on my lack of skills. I really,really need to get this out of my system.Aaaaaargh!!!
God plz,don’t make me suffer much more.if he’s the one meant 4 me,then just get done with it.plz don’t let me go through the suffering again.i have enough ordeals to last for a life time,without being complicated by some guy whom I just met. I know,the last time I said that if I ever fall in love again,I’ll make sure that it goes right @ the time.but how am I supposed to do it?I don’t have enough guts to even show that I cared more than just collegues.I’m suffering from a very low self-esteem @ this time.I’m doomed!!!
Shush!! there’s no such thing!!…I just gotta get up,make my move,or he’ll sure be gone in a matter of seconds,just like that!!
…the thing is,whenever I try to make a move,it seems like they all wanted to run away from me as far as they can.I mean,…what am I??? I’m not gonna suck their blood or anything extreme!!I just wanted someone to pay more attention to me,cared & be loved,that’s all I want.
do u know? the other day,when everybody were already starting to leave home,someone offered him to meet with some girl who is, as they say,pretty & still single.I don’t know what happened to me back then,but suddenly,out of the blue,I’m pretty sure that I felt a little jealous of her.I looked up to the bunch of them,then took a quick glance @ him.as it happens,he was also glancing @ me @ the time,then he looked back @ them & politely decline their “good intentions”. of course,they still tried to persuade him one last time,& he still politely decline their invitation. I don’t know why,but @ the time,I felt a little relief,you know.for awhile there,I just wanted to yell @ them & said,”hey,I’m also single here.HELLO???”.
but a couple of hours before that, was the more embarassing part 4 me. uc,as I entered the room 2c the patient’s condition,there were already a lot people standing around,so I took a seat.as I was writing a prescription,I took a quick glance at the patient’s bed.there he was adjusting the monitors & stuffs,& unexpectedly,@ the same time,he was also glancing towards me.well…actually,I don’t know if he was looking @ me,or towards where I sat.but anyway…as soon as our eyes met,I STUPIDLY & QUICKLY glance away pretending to write the prescriptions as asked before.THAT’s when my heart gave a sudden leap that I quickly posed myself back 2 normal.I was @ denial then,…& still in denial now if I had any feelings 4 de guy.
…I just…don’t wanna get hurt anymore,you know. Don’t wanna get my hopes too high so fast,just to fall from it again. hix3x… 😦
you know, I really wished that what I saw in his face as we’re near the end of the whole drama,when he was making a joke that I’ll have 2b up all night to take care of the new patient who were about to be admitted from another hospital,and I said back that I wasn’t the one who’ll be staying up late that night,his facial features changed a bit,as if …gonna miss me?? is that even possible?? …of course,tha ‘was only my point of view though.who knows…maybe it’s just coz he hadn’t met the guy whose in charge that night….yeah,think rational,girl!! that could be just the case.
there,u c…I guess I’m still not ready for this kind of stuff.I can’t even give up my mind whether I’m in luv or not….